everything

The new job started a week ago.

I finally did the giant presentation with the catalog to present my upcoming line that I’ll make for the fashion show.

Things are happening.  I’m feeling like I have to keep proving myself, if only to myself.

People think I’m capable.  They think I know what I’m doing.  I feel unsure, awkward, critical of myself.

And like a fun and funny ray of light, there’s a new guy at work, newer than me, who moved across the country.  He’s funny and calm.  What is it with these calm and funny people suddenly coming into my view?  Too bad he’s too young.  But it’s fun and funny at any rate.  A new friend in the making.

I hope I hold up my end of the bargain and can prove to be awesome at work, at my line, etc.

One thing I know I’m doing right is taking care of my baby-girl, the morsel.  She’s a shining star and I know that I’m living up to being a good mom to her, at least.

work

The morsel gave me advice last night, saying that when you try too hard sometimes you end up not doing a good job at all, and that sometimes when you just try to do something that it usually ends up better.

Run music

1. Stranger Things Have Happened - Foo Fighters
2. Warm Territories - Mike Dumovich
3. But, Honestly - Foo Fighters
4. One Hit - The Knife
5. Slipping Away -Moby
6. Burn Up - Siouxsie and the Banshees

Seemingly melancholy music for a run, but it was actually very appropriate and rewarding.  I think when I have less to reflect on and maybe more to escape (mundane life) I’ll be wanting to be entertained more, but this was actually a good run.

‘But, Honestly’ by the Foo Fighters could be my new favorite song…

bad dream this morning

I had a bad dream where I was fighting with a guy who was the ex’s friend, who was a junkie.  He was in the yard with his GF, shooting up and getting sick and being f’d up.  It got to the point where I was physically trying to get him out of the yard and to stop them and the guy’s needle got lodged him my thumb.  Then, even more horrible, he was wrestling me trying to pull the needle out saying “I can’t afford to get another one”.

I woke up and it made me feel nauseous.

And then I had to call the ex in real life, to tell him the morsel’s party was moved.  He was confused and annoyed when he got me on the line, since he was on the other line “I’m talking to my mom!” as if I knew or cared.  Check your email, I told him, the party moved, and I got off the line.  And then, of course, he called back a few minutes later, probably to get the info. because he couldn’t get online, or was too lazy, etc. but I didn’t answer.  Sorry dude, that’s all you get from me today.  And I knew they had the invitation to the party on the kitchen table, or at least that’s where I left it the last time I was there-

And I was on my way to meet IN, so I was really really done with the ex for the day.  We met in Edmonds near the ferry and we got warm drinks and walked to the beach.  We talked about scuba diving, which he’s been thinking of, and watched the divers suit up and softly wade out.

I always want more than what he gives me, but at the same time, it’s very calming and great to talk, to sit or be together.  I just hate when it ends.

And I told Maria about this today, how he makes me feel calm and it’s good and not obsessive and unhealthy, the way it was with the ex, and how IN is really self-sustaining whereas the ex is/was really high-maintenance.

It’s not even a ‘thing’, but it may become something.  There’s energy, but I’m busy with school anyway, so it’s not like I could even sustain anything that was more.  But it feels like it would be very nice.