people

Some days time passes quickly, and other times, there’s time to think but I waste it by worrying.  Today I was working hard when I thought I would get a chance to think, sort and plan.  But the work wasn’t linear, it was strange and running around, and doing things that didn’t appear to be accomplishments.   And now that I’m talking about it, the reality is that these things were mostly involved with other people.

It’s fairly transparent that the things involving people take the most time.  And also, that they seem to be the least amount of progress to me.  Hmmm.  What do you think of that?

It would seem to make me a miser or hermit or sociopath, though I am actually none of those things.  I love people, mostly, but also am annoyed, hurt and confused by them.  And I am inspired, drawn to them with humor, understanding and connection.

In all honesty, I am constantly thinking of other people.  The motivations and influence of their lives, their pasts, and their wants and needs.  I feel that I see those things when I witness these people in the world.  I see these things floating around them, showing me what’s really going on despite what’s being said or projected.

And I feel I’m so easily seen.  But the feedback tells me that’s not true.

Do people want us to see them?  I think so.  I feel that so often I have encounters with people and slowly realize I might have been the first person to listen to them that day, or even for a long time.

Are we all lonely?  Do we know it when we are?

Before I met my ex I wanted to be in love.  I was often jealous of people talking about their relationships.  And I loved him so much, treasured him.  But it hurt and though I tried to deny that and to fix and change things, I couldn’t.  I’m not jealous anymore of people being in love.  It takes so much coordination and interconnecting of two very specific people to find each other.  I know this.  And now too, I want to be in love, but I have so many more relationships now that are valuable in so many ways.  I do feel loved, even without a real valentine.   And I feel I’m going to find another love, some day.

But the energy and intensity of my various realtionships is very big, and I take them seriously.  I am so much more present than I’ve ever been in my life, I feel, with a better balance of talking and listening.  A better balance of me and them.

When I told the ex to leave, I decided two things:  I was going to ask for what I needed, and I was going to take everything he said at face value.  No guessing and trying to figure out what he was trying to say, only what he said.  And then too, with asking for what I needed, taking the responses at face value.  Asking real questions, which could be answered NO as well as YES.

And it’s been good for me, for us, and for me and all the other us’s.

I think I love so many more people now, and not in a selfish coveting way, but in a real love where I want the best for them.

I’m sleeping now, getting ready for tomorrow.  And just waiting for the week to be over so I can rest and reflect on everything, on all the people without collecting more interactions for a while.