space

Does it matter how much space I take up in the world?  I’m wondering at this moment, whether 5 or 10 pounds difference in my own body affects everything else.

If I’m smaller I seem to use less resources, right?  I know my daughter eats very little compared to me, and I eat less than a man, for instance.

The place I live is smaller than where most I know live.  However, if a person has a family and lives in a bigger space they are sharing more resources and quite possibly taking up less space, overall.

I know that taking the bus and cramming in with all those other people helps the situation.  If we look to other populations where space is so much more a luxury then we know that it’s possible to be even more efficient and less needy that way.

I’ve tried to live my life in the world vs. at home amoung my things, and it’s been working well.  I work during the day and go to school at night.  I am at home less than half the day, every day except most weekends.  This is one of the reasons that my own, private space does not need to be so big.  I got rid of many possessions when I moved in here, and still have more than I really need.  I know I can get rid of things that I am not using and only saving for two reasons: I might need it in the future, which is unlikely since I have been living without these things and only have them in storage, and the other is that I keep things because I’m nostalgic.

Last year my parents gutted their house before selling it.  We emptied everything, took up the carpets, went into the attics, and stripped the place in anticipation of painting and new floors.  I came home with boxes of work from grade school, high school yearbooks, some momentos and clothes.  At the time, it was indicative of a melding of past and present.  An old boyfriend and I re-met each other and tried to see how that would work.  It didn’t, but it was still a valuable time.

Today the morsel and her dad go on their vacation.  They fly to the East Coast for 10 days or so.  The GF will meet them there.  When I lay down in my bed last night I was thinking of this, of when I went there for the first time with him, after we had been married, to meet everyone in his family.  Last night I realized I was released from this and that she had taken over the place, the burden, and I could release that space in my brain and heart for good.  Knowing that someone else is the focus now allows me to really go forward.  I’m no longer the target, and I don’t have to keep a part of my world for him.  You may wonder why that’s been happening anyway, but it’s not been conscious.  My mind’s eye sees a sharp intake of breath, like when you witness someone doing something dangerous and are scared for them.  I don’t know if she knows what she’s in store for, when the gloves come off and she sees who he really is, but at the same time I revel in the situation that it’s not me and that he’s shifted his focus.

Finally, I need to balance the space here, my space, and reorganize.  Though living out in the world has been good for many reasons, there is a lot of work for me to do for school, for my future, and I need to take the time to do that.  And I have this space here, waiting for me.