The new job started a week ago.

I finally did the giant presentation with the catalog to present my upcoming line that I’ll make for the fashion show.

Things are happening.  I’m feeling like I have to keep proving myself, if only to myself.

People think I’m capable.  They think I know what I’m doing.  I feel unsure, awkward, critical of myself.

And like a fun and funny ray of light, there’s a new guy at work, newer than me, who moved across the country.  He’s funny and calm.  What is it with these calm and funny people suddenly coming into my view?  Too bad he’s too young.  But it’s fun and funny at any rate.  A new friend in the making.

I hope I hold up my end of the bargain and can prove to be awesome at work, at my line, etc.

One thing I know I’m doing right is taking care of my baby-girl, the morsel.  She’s a shining star and I know that I’m living up to being a good mom to her, at least.

The morsel gave me advice last night, saying that when you try too hard sometimes you end up not doing a good job at all, and that sometimes when you just try to do something that it usually ends up better.

1. Stranger Things Have Happened - Foo Fighters
2. Warm Territories - Mike Dumovich
3. But, Honestly - Foo Fighters
4. One Hit - The Knife
5. Slipping Away -Moby
6. Burn Up - Siouxsie and the Banshees

Seemingly melancholy music for a run, but it was actually very appropriate and rewarding.  I think when I have less to reflect on and maybe more to escape (mundane life) I’ll be wanting to be entertained more, but this was actually a good run.

‘But, Honestly’ by the Foo Fighters could be my new favorite song…

I had a bad dream where I was fighting with a guy who was the ex’s friend, who was a junkie.  He was in the yard with his GF, shooting up and getting sick and being f’d up.  It got to the point where I was physically trying to get him out of the yard and to stop them and the guy’s needle got lodged him my thumb.  Then, even more horrible, he was wrestling me trying to pull the needle out saying “I can’t afford to get another one”.

I woke up and it made me feel nauseous.

And then I had to call the ex in real life, to tell him the morsel’s party was moved.  He was confused and annoyed when he got me on the line, since he was on the other line “I’m talking to my mom!” as if I knew or cared.  Check your email, I told him, the party moved, and I got off the line.  And then, of course, he called back a few minutes later, probably to get the info. because he couldn’t get online, or was too lazy, etc. but I didn’t answer.  Sorry dude, that’s all you get from me today.  And I knew they had the invitation to the party on the kitchen table, or at least that’s where I left it the last time I was there-

And I was on my way to meet IN, so I was really really done with the ex for the day.  We met in Edmonds near the ferry and we got warm drinks and walked to the beach.  We talked about scuba diving, which he’s been thinking of, and watched the divers suit up and softly wade out.

I always want more than what he gives me, but at the same time, it’s very calming and great to talk, to sit or be together.  I just hate when it ends.

And I told Maria about this today, how he makes me feel calm and it’s good and not obsessive and unhealthy, the way it was with the ex, and how IN is really self-sustaining whereas the ex is/was really high-maintenance.

It’s not even a ‘thing’, but it may become something.  There’s energy, but I’m busy with school anyway, so it’s not like I could even sustain anything that was more.  But it feels like it would be very nice.

Sometimes I say things I shouldn’t say.  I often tease people-  I guess it shows my twisted sense of humor.

Except when it isn’t funny and someone gets hurt.

Like yesterday, when the morsel got food on her shirt before school.  It was some of the jello/yogurt/juice concoction she proudly made into popsicles from her new kid-cookbook she got for her birthday.  At the time, she was funny and said ‘oh, it just looks like blood’ when I told her she should change her shirt.

She didn’t change her shirt.  I drove her to school.

At school we ran into another mom and a kid from her soccer team.  We were in the library and kids were milling about before the first bell.  I made a joke about the red spot, telling the mom the morsel’s funny comment from the morning.  But now it wasn’t funny.  Now I turned to look at her and she was actually hiding behind me.  Even then I didn’t realize she was hiding.  We hung out until the bell rang, and she wouldn’t let go of my hand.  I went away, went to work for a few hours, edited video and compressed to flash, sent to the web guy in Salt Lake City.

And then driving home I realized that she was embarassed.  That I had embarassed her at school, in front of other people.

I felt so bad.  I thought of it all day.  I was really sad for her and felt like a jerk.

This morning though, I got to make it up.  I was able to get to the ex’s place and hang out with her so I could drive her to school and she wouldn’t have to go to childcare or wake up early.  I changed her bedding and helped her clean up her room.  In the middle I turned to her and said “hey, yesterday at school when we were in the library, did I embarass you?”  She said yes, and started crying a little.  I told her I was so sorry, that I had thought about it all day and hadn’t realized it at the time but realized it later.  I told her I was sorry and that I was going to try to not do that again, and would try to really pay attention.  And that I wanted her to feel confidence and feel good, not feel bad and embarassed, so I was really sorry.

She listened and it seemed to make her feel better.  She was very happy when I left her at school, and I think has had a good day.

Sarah and I talked, and she reminded me that it was great for the morsel to see me apologizing and role modeling that.  Not just the acknowledgment of her and her feelings, but as a way to behave when we hurt someone or have something to explain.

Of course, many things happen to a kid in the course of a day, and my contribution is one of many good or bad things, but I really want to only give her good things.

Things are about to get hot at school- some people have keys, other people are finding out.  Some people have claimed their work space.  Other people are probably not even going to make it to the fashion show.

In the middle, we are still trying to finish classes.  I’m in my final quarter, 5th out of 5, and then will have the fashion show and the ball gown.

I’m feeling as if things are slightly out of sorts, and keep waking up in the middle of the night, trying to figure out what I’m supposed to be doing.

I bought all my fabric for the fashion show two weekends ago, at the Fabric Show.  It should arrive from New York this week or next.  I’m excited, but anxious too, knowing we haven’t had textiles class, and that I’m stuck with what I’m stuck with.  I believe my fabrics will all be okay together, but I’ll find out for real when I start making things.

This seems insane.

And part of me feels a bit flung to the wind.  Yes, we are most of us behind, but for various reasons.  And among those is due to not having a teacher when we were supposed to have a class, or not having muslin when we were supposed to be sewing a garment.  These things are huge and our class has always been large.  It all adds up.

But still, there are some of us who are really going to make it, going to be able to do the fashion show.  Whether or not I come off as amazing is another story, but I’m going to make it to the show, no matter what.

Sarah has been talking about human nature in dog terms lately.  It makes sense because they’ve recently (within months) have adopted Angel, a very sweet, small to medium sized dog.  I don’t know much about dogs, but maybe she’s like a black lab but smaller?

Sara’s dog is sweet, mostly obedient, and likes me.  She is happy to see me, likes to sit on/near me and shows love and affection.  And I actually don’t like dogs, don’t trust them.  I’m okay with people’s dogs lately, but in general don’t trust them not to turn and attack, for no reason…

As part of her dedication to taking care of Angel, Sarah’s reading books about dogs and getting training.  They’ve been working from a book called the Dog Whisperer.  Funny name, but it seems to have given them good insight.

So a few days ago, talking about the mystery behind the ex’s anger and jealousy, she suggested that he’s a ‘low self-esteem, high-energy dog’.  It makes sense to me.  It actually describes his behavior and anger pretty well.  And that he seems to be okay if he can ride the heck out of his bike, exhausting himself into a calmer place.

Add to the mix that Sarah claims I’m alpha, and it really makes sense.  Sense in that the ex is always waiting for me to do everything, set the tone, give him something to react to.  And even when there’s nothing going on, there’s a percieved sense of wrong doing and he lunges into an angry attack.

Can’t his new girl get him on a leash?

The new job starts October 1.  I moved to radiotooth on October 1 last year.  When I was younger, I often started new jobs in October, so maybe I’m getting back on schedule.

I am feeling new-ish since reacquainting with I.N. and it’s helping remind me of so many things, ways I want for myself and things I want to achieve.  I may even be able to stop biting my nails.

Next week feels like it will be big.  Big in a way that things move slowly when they are big.  Big and slow and inevitable.

In a sea of hair, I’m practically bald now.  I knew this would happen, and I would feel self-conscious and strange.  It’s just a matter of time and my hair will grow but today I feel butch and ugly.  Not that I think butch girls are ugly, because I’m usually drawn to them and their clean strong look, but for myself, I want to be feminine or at least adrogenous (today).

I stood at the stove, cracking two eggs, thinking “how long can I get my hair to grow by the time the fashion show comes?”  My fear suddenly welling up, a weak response is revealed that says conforming is easier than following my own path.

Damn.  I hate when I doubt myself.

I.N. came over last night, we talked a long time.  At one point we sat reading.  I wondered how I had gone so long without being able to share peace with someone.  And I just wanted to pounce on him and get some kisses.

I’ve always been drawn to him, I was when we knew each other before.  And he, in particular, has a distinct boundary that people don’t get to cross.  We talked about it, that this boundary seems invisible to me and that the other part is that he said I seem to also instinctually know that it’s okay to cross.

I hate waiting.

I used to love to run and to bike.

The biking was mostly in my other, pre-child life. The running was giant right after I had the morsel, and continued up until recently.

And about a month or two ago, I stopped wanting to run.  I have started again, grudgingly, on the treadmill, but it doesn’t seem enough.  There’s not that feeling of real movement.  Still, when I can do it and get going, I can reach lucidity and the every day pieces fall away, the gripes, the questions, the logistics, and then I start to visualize designs, images, things from a higher plane.

Sarah suggested yesterday that I really need to bike again.  That like a dog, I need to get out and really roam and move.  She knows me, and knows my energy, that there’s so much (too much some times) and like a dog who is used to living in packs, and used to roaming for food, that I need to exhaust myself a bit in order to feel calm and focused.

And so, I’m hoping I can get my act together and start biking again.  And the goal of the new job is a good way to start.  And like most people who bike, bike = freedom.